How long could you survive chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor?

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I’m going back to High School….

With the single intention to kick my guidance councilor in the taco.

10 of the World’s Greatest Jobs
Published on 10/21/2009 under Misc – by Gracie Murano – 353,640 views

1) Paradise island caretaker

Ben Southall, 34, of Petersfield, beat out nearly 35,000 applicants from around the world for the dream assignment to swim, explore and relax on Hamilton Island in the Great Barrier Reef, while writing a blog to promote the area. He was selected for the $111,000 gig – a six-month contract to serve as caretaker of a tropical Australian island. He now has to live rent-free in a three-bedroom villa, complete with pool.

Before getting the job he had to spend four days on the island for an extended interview process, which required applicants to snorkel through crystalline waters, gorge themselves at a beachside barbecue and relax at a spa. He also had to demonstrate his blogging abilities, take swimming tests and sit through in-person interviews.

2) Luxury bed tester

A student from Birmingham City University has landed her dream job…literally! Sleeping on the job and having a lie-in will no longer be a problem for a girl, who has been selected to test out luxury beds for a month and get paid for it.

Roisin Madigan, 22, is earning £1,000 to sleep in designer beds every day for a month. The student is helping with a “sleep survey” carried out by luxury bed specialists Simon Horn Ltd. The company sells luxury Savoir Beds, originally made for the Savoy Hotel. General manager Craig Roylance said Roisin will not only provide an objective view of the beds on sale, but will also be part of a look into what brings a good night’s sleep. She will spend 10am to 6pm in beds in the company’s showroom in Edgbaston, and then willblog about her experiences.

3) Resort waterslide tester

Surely the envy of any desk-bound office worker, Tommy Lynch has travelled over 27,000 miles this year for his job, testing holiday resort waterslides. Mr Lynch, 29, works for holiday giant First Choice, checking the height, speed, water quantity and landing of the flumes, as well as all safety aspects. In 2008 Mr Lynch tested waterslides at holiday villages in Lanzarote, Majorca, Egypt, Turkey, Costa Del Sol, Cyprus, Algarve, Dominican Republic and Mexico. This year he will quality control First Choice’s new splash resorts in Greece, Turkey, Florida, Jamaica and Ibiza.

Liverpool-born Mr Lynch, whose job title is lifestyle product development manager, was recruited to identify the very best pools to be featured in First Choice’s new Splash Resort collection. He also ensures potential new resorts are up to the company’s standard.

4) Professional prostitute tester

Jaime Rascone is no different than the rest of us in that the erstwhile DJ needs to grab the occasional odd job to make ends meet. But the Chilean lothario has beat all of us by holding the type of fantasy job that just sounds too good to be true: Quality Control in a brothel.
Rascone, an occasional male model and DJ, first happened upon Fiorella Companions in Santiago, Chile while working on a story about the country’s sexual revolution. He was offered the gig by Madam Fiorella, who needed somebody to provide that final “interview” in her hiring process. It goes like this: girls who are interested in working as VIP escorts for Fiorella have to undergo interviews, psychological testing, and a photo session. The applicants are whittled down to a final six, who are then fucked one after the other in a single day by Jaime. He takes diligent notes on, say, how they moved their hips and whether their groans were adequate, and makes recommendations to the madam. There is even paperwork involved. The strain of the job is actually such that he can only do it once a month, testing around seventy girls or so a year.

5) Wine tester and blogger

Imagine moving to the heart of Sonoma County, where every day you’ll come home to more than 450 wineries along the beautiful northern coast of California. Picture living rent free, learning the intricacies of making the perfect wine, and capturing and sharing the entire experience for your network of Twitter followers. Now imagine getting paid $10,000 a month to do it. Listening? Hardy Wallace of Atlanta, the first person to submit his application, was the winner for the position at Murphy-Goode Winery— a $10,000 p/mo for six months, rent-free job updating Twitter and Facebook with his winery lifestream. Theinterview process was simple: submit a YouTube video explaining why you would be good for the job and wait to see what happens.

6) Candy taster

Another one of the world’s best job has gone to schoolboy Harry Willsher, 12, chief taster in a sweet factory. Harry’s job is to test top secret recipes. He got the job after winning a contest at Swizzell’s Matlow to find a recruit. According to him, after his first tour at his new job, he felt like having tepped into the book Charlie And The Chocolate Factory. He wowed judges by describing the flavor and smell of his favourite sweet, the Drumstick lolly. The Derby firm, which also makes Love Hearts, Rainbow Drops and Parma Violets, has now given the youngster chief taster overalls and business cards. As well as sampling the sweets, he will also monitor their development at the company’s factory in New Mills, Derbyshire. I don’t know if it’s the best job, but it’s definitely the sweetest.

7) Condom tester

An Australian manufacturer called for applications for what it claims could be the world’s best job – condom tester. Durex marketing manager Sam White was hiring Australians over the age of 18 who could apply for one of 200 positions as a condom tester. Unfortunately the position is not paid, but successful applicants would receive a free $60 selection of Durex products and will be required to provide the company with honest feedback about the products’ performance. One of the lucky 200 testers would win a $1000 bonus. Maybe the bonus is not that great, but one thing’s for sure – it’s a job where employees won’t mind taking their work home and burning the midnight oil. We are sorry to inform you applications are closed.

World of Warcraft Tester

Do you Play World of Warcraft? And if so, do you play well? Can you farm 200 gold an hour and hit level 80 in under 2 weeks? If the answer is yes, you can apply for the job that about 12 million players only dream about, as a Wow game tester! There are in fact several Blizzard jobs posted on their website. The Blizzard employment database has dozens of mmorpg jobs available, mostly WoW employment opportunities. They are currently hiring for severalgame tester positions for World of Warcraft, under the QA department. They are in particular looking for foreign language testers, so if you speak any other language besides English, don’t hesitate to apply to start your Blizzard career. And, yeah, you will be required to play at least four hours a day.

9) Director of Fun at a museum (age 6)

A six-year-old boy who wanted to become the director of York’s National Railway Museum landed himself a job – as the director of fun. The ambitious youngster got a plum role at the National Railway Museum after applying to replace retiring boss Andrew Scott. Sam Pointon sent a handwritten letter headed “Application for director” asking for an interview at the centre, in York. The letter listed his credentials for the role, including his expertise on his train set. “I am only six but I think I can do this job,” wrote Sam. “I have an electrick (sic) train track. I am good on my train track. I can control two trains at once.” Staff was so impressed they appointed Sam an honorary “Director of Fun” and his job will be to bosses how he thinks they can ensure the museum is the most fun place for kids to spend a day out.

Ok, maybe this isn’t the best job in the world for an adult, but it certainly rocks the world of a 6 year old.

10) Bike rider-photographer for Google Maps

Google (GOOG) has hired two lucky young men to ride around France on dopey looking tricycles snapping up photos of historical sites that are inaccessible by car. This three-wheeler is a sight with its long pole holding nine cameras, a GPS, a computer and a generator. But the contraption tooling around the French capital needs all that gear to do its job – adding three-dimensional images to Google’s Street View Maps.

The riders, wearing Google tee-shirts and white helmets, are visiting well-known sites such as the Chateau de Versailles, west of Paris, the Jardin du Luxembourg on the city’s Left Bank or Les Halles, in the busy centre of the French capital.

Sad fact

If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.

The firearms death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation’s Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington D.C.

The Zen of Han

So Han’s walking down the halls of Bespin with his old friend Lando. Leia’s there, and lookin’ good. Han thinks he’s off to dinner – maybe some wine, a little flirting, and then back to the ol’ guest quarters with Her Hotness.

But the door opens, and there’s Darth Vader.

Han doesn’t look incredulously at Lando; he doesn’t duck or run away.

What does Han do?

He starts shooting at the motherfucker.

He starts shooting.

Be like Han.

We are all really screwed now

Chinese Scientists Build Working Black Hole

Read more here

3 THINGS WE LEARN ABOUT ANDY IN THE TOY STORY 3 TRAILER

The trailer for Toy Story 3 has officially hit the web and it offers an intriguing look into the life of Andy, the boy who owns the toys whose adventures we’ve enjoyed the past decade. In fact, I learned three things from it:

1) Andy is probably OCD in some way. His toys are in absolutely perfect condition. While they have been left in a locker as Andy grows up (and hey, Pixar thanks for making me feel really old by having the kid from the first movie going away to college now), the toys seem to have been regularly cleaned and maintenanced.

2) Andy had no friends. We see snippets of Andy’s life through his mother’s camcorder, and never once does there appear to be another non-family human in the picture. The only friends Andy has are the toys. It’s highly likely that college-bound Andy writes slashfic, cries at commercials, jerks off to hentai he finds on 4chan and gets into long internet flame wars about his favorite cartoons.

3) Andy is gay. I can’t actually pinpoint a specific thing in the trailer that tells me he’s gay, but my gaydar went off like a siren when his older face first appeared on screen. Maybe it’s his well-sculpted eyebrows. Also, he has a pin marking Thailand on the world map over his bed, indicating a strong interest in ladyboys.

View the trailer

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Taken from BadAssOfTheWeek.Com

Badass of the Week.

Juliane Koepcke On Christmas Eve 1971, in the skies above the desolate, remote jungles of Peru, LANSA Flight 508 got its ass rocked like a hurricane by a ginormous bolt of lightning that blew the entire fuselage apart like a humongoid human-filled flying pipe bomb with wings.  Juliane Koepcke, a quiet seventeen year-old high school senior on her way to visit her father, fell two miles out of the sky, without a parachute, crunching into the dirt floor of the Amazon Rain Forest with enough velocity to fracture the skull of Bahamut the World Fish.  When she somehow miraculously awoke and came to her senses (a feat which few of her fellow passengers managed to accomplish), she was still strapped in to her seat.  She had a broken collarbone, a severe concussion, deep cuts in her arms and legs, and one of her eyes had been swollen shut like Stallone the end of Rocky II.  You know, the sort of injuries you’d expect from someone who just plummeted through a few thousand feet of freefall and splashed down in a goddamned rainforest. Juliane unbuckled her apparently-indestructible airline seat belt (she was obviously paying attention when the flight attendant was going through that whole “here’s how you properly fasten your safety belt” portion of the spiel) and briefly surveyed the wreckage.  All she saw were corpses and empty seats. She was alone in the Amazon, with the thick canopy jungle above her preventing her from signaling for help, and effectively crotch-stomping any hope for a successful or timely rescue.  Juliane Koepcke had no food, no tools, no gear, no powerbars, no means to make fire, no maps, and no compass.  Shit, she only had one shoe, having lost the other one during that whole “careening through the atmosphere” thing, which I guess is understandable.  It was just her and the wilderness, mano-e-womano. The Amazon. Now, I touched on the Amazon River Basin somewhat in my article on EL TITANOBOA MONSTRUO, but perhaps this would be a good time for me to get into this in a little more detail.  The Amazon is one of the most insane, hardcore jungles ever devised – a ghastly hellhole of unrighteous suckitude filled with horrors beyond that which most hack basement-dwelling sci-fi authors could ever dream up in their wildest LSD-inspired psychotic delusions.  This place is right up there with the Congo, rural Siberia, and the Sahara Desert in terms of “terrible places you would only really want to visit if you enjoy being miserable and suffering a slow and painful death”.  It is home to thousands of species of venomous creatures, dozens of other non-poisonous things with large, pointy, flesh-rending teeth, revolting man-eating monsters, and giant evil gorillas that can face-punch people so hard their necks explode.  It’s the home of the Candiru Fish, a sick reject from God’s murderous asshole that makes its living by swimming up peoples’ urethras and embedding itself with a couple of horrific, groin-cringingly sharp spines.  I mean, this place almost killed Teddy Roosevelt, a guy who is pretty much widely believed to be one of the most badass men to ever take a dump in the bathroom of the Oval Office, so you KNOW it’s not something you should really jerk around with if you can help it.  Shit, the fact that I even need to reference the TITANOBOA when talking about this place should give you a good idea of how retardedly insane this place is.  You’d have better odds for survival working as a custodial technician in Ravenholm or sweeping out air ducts on LV-426. Well, as I mentioned previously, Juliane Koepcke was just a young high school senior, but I should also say that she was working towards a degree in flippin’ zoology at a school in Lima, Peru, so it wasn’t like she was awkwardly terrified of a little bit of torrential rain or knee-deep mud or giant carnivorous predators or anything.  It also didn’t hurt that both of her parents were famous German biologists, either.  In fact, she’d grown up living in a number of different research stations in the middle of this godforsaken jungle, so I guess I don’t have to tell you that this ridiculously tough broad wasn’t going to give up and start digging her own grave with a broken set of chopsticks just because she was lost and alone in one of the cruelest and most inhospitable jungles on the planet.  Forget that.  She wasn’t going down without a fight, and she had every intention of giving this nightmarish deathzone a giant barefooted roundhouse kick right in its horrible dripping serrated mandibles.  Juliane searched through the wreckage, grabbed the few pieces of candy and food that she was able to scrounge up from the debris, and started walking off into the jungle. Good times. Though she was disoriented and concussed, Juliane kept her wits about her and didn’t just go running around screaming and falling down all over the place like some slutty bimbo in a bad horror movie.   This unbreakable survivor knew that her best chance of making it out of this craptastic situation was to link up with civilization as quickly as possible, and that most people tend to live near waterways of some form or another, so she pressed through the underbrush until she found a small creek, and she just started following it downstream.   When the creek ran into a larger body of water, she followed that.   When the vegetation on the river bank was too thick, she waded through knee-deep, piranha- and candiru-infested waters without even giving a crap.   She just constantly pushed herself on, fighting forward, driving ahead through sheer force of will alone. For eleven days (!) Juliane Koepcke trudged through the Amazon Rain Forest without any gear or food, smashing her way through the snarls of vegetation and plant life, avoiding the man-eating crocodiles she routinely encountered, and fighting off insect swarms, clouds of leeches, and other disgusting creatures of blood-sucking and/or multi-legged insanity.   She drank river water, battled through infection and disease, foraged for whatever scraps of food she could get her hands on, and did a bunch of other badass Bear Grylls-types of shit just to stay alive long enough to find help. Finally, after a week and a half of this hellish, ball-sucking death march, the semi-conscious, zombie-esque Koepcke shambled into a remote, makeshift logging camp on the edge of the rain forest.   She fell down, curled up, and waited for help, which arrived the following day.   The loggers gave her some very rudimentary first aid (part of which involved pouring gasoline on her to clean out her wounds, which sounds like it was probably a whole lot of fun), and took her on a seven-hour canoe trip to the nearest town, where a local pilot then flew her to the hospital for treatment.   Of the 92 people on board Flight 508, this unassuming 17 year-old woman was the only one who walked out of the wilderness alive. Of course, Juliane Koepcke wasn’t done yet.   She went on to get a PhD in Zoology, proving that this survivor could take the most horrible shit mother nature could throw at her and it wasn’t even going to slow her down.   Nowadays she studies bats in Germany or something, which is pretty sweet if you ask me.   Her survival story remains one of the most badass demonstrations of human endurance that I’ve ever come across. Kopcke returned to the debris-riddled crash site in 2000 to film a documentary. She’s just hard like that.

Learn your children to read

Last fall I posted “Breaking bad news” cards. These are equally as awesome.